I did something new today, which was a workshop at the employment centre downtown. It was to do with managing anxiety but it, ironically, caused me anxiety to participate. I went because I wanted to test out something I’m not comfortable with, and as a person with an anxiety disorder that’s not an easy task.
I hadn’t done anything like this recently, and even if I just consider all stressful ‘participation’ situations it still has been a long time since the last one, so I had actually forgotten how stressed out I get. Right from walking through the door, I was shaking. That didn’t go away at all throughout the actual workshop, and when I thought I was going to be forced to enact a situation of talking on the phone to an employer, I nearly had an anxiety attack. Luckily it was optional, but in a real job it would obviously not be optional, and I wasn’t able to do it.
So that brings me to the conclusion I came up with about all this: maybe I’m not ready to enter the workforce yet, and maybe I never will be. I don’t know about that second part, but I can tell that I have some big issues right now that are making a simple task into an impossibly insurmountable barrier. Perhaps I should just put my energy into my art and the steps to starting school next year, and see where that leads me. I do know that school is something I can not only handle, but that I absolutely enjoy, so there’s no doubt that I want to get back into that. I have to wait until spring to continue that, but it’s definitely in the works.
Maybe I’ll change my mind on this whole work thing, but this is where I’m at right now. This was a weirdly personal post, and I don’t know how I feel about that.
Also, in regards to my last post, I realised I don’t know how to make an hourly schedule so I didn’t actually do that.