Yesterday I cut my hair and today I dyed it, and my behaviour around these events has made me realise something. Whenever I post a selfie or something about myself I tend to joke that I’m being narcissistic, not really taking myself seriously. I’m starting to think I might actually be vain in a weird self-deprecating way.
My world tends to revolve around me, myself, and I, but I’m not entirely convinced that’s as bad as I’ve been taught to believe it is.
This entire blog was created out of a form of vanity: I believe my thoughts are important enough to write out extensively and share with the world – blatantly, even, since I often share them on Facebook and question people if they haven’t read my latest one yet. I probably shared this post on social media, too.
I make videos on YouTube, but all of the things I talk about are centred around me: life updates, my thoughts on topics that interest or (usually) involve me, and personal stories of my experiences. Not only are they about me, but they’re directed at the future version of myself that I know will be looking back at my old creations and not at a potential audience of other people. Maybe this part I should change, actually.
This part of my life is about personal development and nothing else. I’m not social and I don’t have outside obligations, so everything is almost required to be about me. I’m not as full of myself as all this makes me sound; I focus on myself with a critical eye, like a drawing that I’m studying to find flaws I might have missed. Sure, there are some things that I’m just appreciating because I put work into them that shows, but a lot of it is about finding where to improve.
In these past few months when I’ve been focussing almost solely on myself I’ve made huge strides in improving my character. That’s why I think my personal kind of vanity is a good kind. Admittedly I’ve been going overboard sometimes, but I have little else to even consider focussing on at this point in my life. I live at home with my parents, I don’t work because it’s not feasible for me, I’m on the verge of the biggest part of my physical transition, and I’m preparing for college in a few months.
Where else would I direct my thoughts, and how could I then improve the things I don’t like about myself?