Apathy

This post isn’t a cheerful one, so if that sounds unpleasant to read then I suggest you click away.

I had a couple days that were good, they felt productive; I got some important things done that had been hanging over me for a long time. I even started attempting to meditate. I’ve been listening to my favourite kinds of music, dubstep and chillstep, almost constantly. I made a pencil drawing I liked, and I cut down significantly on my social media use. I made a daily schedule that notified me at the start of each new activity. I even bought quinoa and salad stuff to try and eat better.

It was going great! …If you ignore the moments of existential-anguish-combined-paradoxically-with-apathy that I regularly had to stuff back down inside. That’s my way of saying depression.

Somehow it’s been building up, though, and over yesterday and today, it started spilling out of the internal Mason jar I’ve been stuffing it into. I lost the motivation I had to be productive. I spent most of the day (and night) yesterday scrolling through Facebook or watching a bunch of YouTube videos. Today was online shopping without buying anything.

It’s not that there’s anything wrong. I just feel generally apathetic – nothing is engaging. The only thing that seems to get me a little spark of good feeling is music, which is why I’ve been clinging so desperately to my favourites.

I don’t know where I’m going with this post. It’s probably just expelling the thoughts that I haven’t really talked about with anyone. It’s not something I like talking about because I feel whiny when I do. Even this is whiny, but you made the decision to read it rather than being sort of forced to listen. I don’t know why you decided to read it, but thanks, I guess?

 

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