Trying to Be

This has been an intense year so far and it has been rapidly passing, barely lingering long enough to leave an impression in my memory. I honestly don’t know where January and February went, they feel like they lasted a few days. Same with March. There have been a lot of intense ups and downs that have left me feeling emotionally exhausted and perpetually low on energy.

I haven’t written much on this blog over the last several months. I do have the very legitimate time-filler of being in full-time college, but in reality that’s not a good excuse because I have only three days a week in class and not enough assignments to justify not writing. I have written a lot more than it looks like, but most of that has gone to my private journal blog because I needed to vent a lot of personal things that I don’t like to talk about that specifically here on my public blog. The downside to writing in that journal is that I’ve then expended my focus for writing and I don’t feel any more inspiration to write publicly.

I don’t like writing unhappy posts. That’s another big factor in not writing much. I’m dealing with a stressful situation right now with trying to rent an apartment and general stress, but I don’t want to write about those things because that feels like just complaining; I don’t have anything constructive to pull out of that, like a lesson or a goal or anything. I’m just trying to stay afloat and balance my life as best I can in a wind storm.

The school year is ending in three short weeks. If I can settle my living situation by then as well, I’m hoping so desperately for a relaxing summer in which I can catch up on these personal projects that I’ve been neglecting.

The title I gave this post is in reference to how I’m trying to be an adult and I’m trying to be in control of my life. I’m trying to be normal and functioning, and I don’t feel like I am. I don’t know if anyone ever feels like they are any of that, though, and I’m slowly coming to the horrifying realisation that I might always feel this way. The more of an adult I become, the less enjoyable it seems. It honestly feels like being a kid dressed up in adult clothes, pretending to know what they’re doing.

Well, apparently there’s something called a Mercury Retrograde going on right now that’s messing with energies and making life extra difficult. Hopefully, it’ll subside soon and things will get better.

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